Saturday, February 15, 2014

Week 25: Psycho Suzi's (Minneapolis, MN)

It doesn’t take a rocket scientist or even a calendar publisher to recognize that I am woefully behind in documenting our journey of eating pizza every week.  There are lots of reasons for the delay between pizza consumption and blog posting – some which even fall into the category of “damn good excuse” and others which simply point out my fundamental weakness, which is I am an Olympic-level procrastinator.

As I sat down this morning to pen my review of our week 25 destination, Psycho Suzi’s, my Catholic guilt set in.  Forgive me readers, for I have sinned.  It has been four weeks since my last blog entry.  I accept whatever penance you see fit.  Of course, I should point out that only one reader has actually inquired about the status of the pizza blog – but out of respect for that one, lonely dear reader, I forced myself to crank up the ipod, hum a little Air Supply, and blog my little heart out.

Week 25 feels like a lifetime ago . . . and in many ways, it was.  We were entering a new calendar year, full of promise and resolutions to make this our best year ever.  The hubby and I made plans to drop those last ten pounds, get our collective hypertension under control, and be better human beings.  I vowed that 2014 would be the year I finally stop chewing my fingernails like a rabid termite.  We made well-intentioned to-do lists, we checked them twice, and we were off to a great start to the year.  

Life had other plans, though, and we hit our first hurdle of 2014 when my father-in-law and next-door-neighbor (this is the same person) had a heart attack in January.  For those that haven’t met Leo, he’s a 76 year old dude who never stops moving.  He gets more done by lunchtime than most people half his age.  Six weeks ago, he was still working as an electrician, shoveling his own snow, and driving most of us batty with his incessant storytelling.  He hadn’t taken so much as an aspirin in years and proudly boasted that he hadn’t seen a doctor in at least six years. 

When he was rushed to the hospital in an ambulance, we were shocked.  (He was pissed.)  When we learned that he needed a triple bypass and valve repair, we were stunned.  And life as we knew it changed.  Suddenly, we were taking care of my hubby’s parents – driving them to appointments, making sure they had groceries, filling prescriptions, and trying to keep everyone in good spirits.  We were all scared and trying to pretend that it wasn’t at all strange to have our roles shifted overnight, where the kids are taking care of their parents.  I don’t think anyone can prepare you for when this day comes.  And for anyone who has met either my husband or my in-laws, I think you can imagine how stressful this experience was on everyone.

One might argue that hanging out at Methodist Hospital would have provided me ample opportunity to blog about pizza.  Well . . . I suck.  So there’s that.  But let me tell you about week 25.

As previously mentioned, the hubby and I set some ambitious goals for ourselves in the new year.  To jump start our weight loss, we decided to give the DASH diet a try.  The first phase of the DASH diet is a two week detoxification process, where you wean yourself off of all the delicious things that made your ass big in the first place, like carbs and sugar.  After two weeks of eating grilled chicken and salad – whereby my hubby lost nearly ten pounds and I lost 0.1 pounds – we were looking forward to our pizza date the way kids look forward to Christmas morning.

So . . . we got into the hubby’s expensive German automobile and headed to NE Minneapolis to Pyscho Suzi’s Motor Lounge. According to their website, “Psycho Suzi’s is many things – a hideout for shady characters, a rest stop on the way to oblivion, a destination for bachelorette parties and nefarious conspiracies alike.  But mostly it’s an updated tiki bar for a crass and cynical age . . . “ 

Pre-Pizza Moods:
Nary a carb had passed either of our lips in 14 days.  The very thought of pizza made us giddy with glee.  Pre-pizza moods hovered around a perfect ten.

Parking Situation and Exterior Appearance:
Oh, Psycho Suzi’s.  It’s not entirely your fault that your very address at 1900 Marshall Street NE in Minneapolis causes me to shudder every time I drive by.  It’s just the post-traumatic stress disorder kicking in.  You see, Suzi, I am old.  In fact, I’m so old that I remember when you were Gabby’s Saloon.  And since I am old enough to have committed the majority of my stupid activities before there were cell phones, Facebook, and Instagram, you’ll have to use your imagination to visualize the kind of stupid that haunts me nearly 20 years later.

Needless to say, I might be biased but this is one of the ugliest damn buildings I’ve ever seen.  It was ugly when it was Gabby’s and it ain’t much better now.  The parking situation is also horrendous.  Suzi’s has the capacity to hold a lot of tiki-drink loving pizza eaters, but they lack the parking infrastructure to accommodate them all.  The lot is every man, woman and child for themselves and the on-street parking isn’t much better.  You couldn’t pay me to attempt parking in this vicinity.

Ps. It still looks like Gabby’s to me from the outside.  Or an old VFW.  Just sayin’.



Entrance/Welcome:
Depending on what time of day you arrive, your greeting may be different.  During the day, you’ll be welcomed and directed to a place to sit and eat.  At night, you may be carded at the door and if it’s crowded, you’ll wait.  And wait. 

Clientele/Overall Vibe:
People of all ages love this place.  Apparently, pale-skinned, chubby Midwesterners are really into tiki bars.  Who knew?  You’ll see hardcore drinkers, hipster doofuses, locals, couples, babies, tattoo freaks, Republicans, and everything in between. The people watching here is AMAZING. 

In warm weather, Suzi’s also boats a huge riverfront patio, which is dog friendly (plus).  Since we only get about four nice days a year here, the patio is a raving hit with most patrons.  I’m less than enthralled since their riverfront overlooks what appears to be a garbage dump and a recycling plant, so it’s not exactly picturesque.  But maybe you’re not a stickler for aesthetics like I am.



Wait Staff:
To work at Suzi’s, you pretty much need to be a hipster.  The more piercings, tattoos, and ironic accessories you sport, the more you’ll fit in.  I’m not judging, mind you, simply pointing out that while it appears each member of the wait staff takes pride in their individual expression, they actually all kind of look the same to me.  Sorry, hipsters.  I can’t tell you apart.

Our server was exceptional.  She kept our drinks full, made menu recommendations, and didn’t mock us for licking the platter clean.

Menu Selection:
Psycho Suzi’s boasts of their “World Famous Minneapolis Pizza.”  Their pizza menu includes standard crust (hand stretched and baked on hot stones) and deep dish (cornmeal crust baked in a pan).  They have many specialty pizzas to choose from, or – if you’re feeling adventurous, you can design your own.  We decided on the Suzi Supreme after a consultation with our server.  The Suzi Supreme is made on their hand-stretched dough and features pepperoni, sausage, onion, green pepper, black olive, and cremini with house tomato sauce.

To be honest, we wanted to order one of everything but I couldn’t chance gaining back that 0.1 pound I worked so hard to shed on the DASH diet.

Food Wait Time:
When Suzi’s is busy, you’ll wait for your food.  We popped in on a lazy Sunday afternoon – a rare time when Suzi’s wasn’t wall-to-wall with patrons.  Total wait time was about 30 minutes.

Drumroll, please . . . the Pizza Itself:
Let me say this.  I’m not a fan of tiki bars.  They remind me of that old Brady Bunch episode (bad luck!).  I don’t like kitsch either, and I don’t need the walk down memory lane of being at the scene of the crime . . . I mean, where Gabby’s used to be.  Hence, I’m predisposed to be anti-Suzi.  And yet . . . I’m a fan.  Why?  Because their pizza is that good.  The sauce is subtle, the toppings are fresh, and the cheese doesn’t strangle my throat.  After two weeks on the DASH diet, I nearly went blind with ecstasy when I bit into this pizza.

If you can put up with the kitsch, the theme, a patio that overlooks a garbage dump, the parking situation, the slow service, and the wall-to-wall people here . . . the pizza is worth it.



Price and Value:
Suzi ain’t a cheap date.  You’ll pay a premium for the pizza here.  A large pizza and drinks will run you close to $50.  But the PTSD?  That comes free.

Post Pizza Mood:
We broke the fast.  We ate real food.  Carbs and fat coursed through our veins.  Screw the DASH diet!  Tens for everyone!

Bottom Line:
I know a lot of people love this place, and I respect that.  It’s been featured on Diners and Dives and it’s a place to see and been seen.  I’m lukewarm on Suzi for all the reasons listed above.  I do like the pizza, but I’m not sure it’s worth the price, the hassle, or the unwanted walk down the memory lane of shame.


That’s my vote.  If you love a riverfront patio; if you’re a tiki connoisseur; or if you live nearby and don’t have to park to visit Suzi’s, this might be your favorite place on earth.  And I respect that.  Peter Brady and I will meet you later at Broadway Station.  

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