As you’ve probably realized by this time, I have a love affair going on with food, and the more decadent it is, the more I love it. I’ve never met a cake, pie, cookie, cheeseburger, plate of nachos, or pizza that I haven’t liked. I don’t love them all, but I would never turn my back (or my mouth) on a snack. In real life, this translates to an ongoing battle with my weight that’s been going on since at least 1986, which is the first (but not last) time I went on a diet.
Years of fad diets, unhealthy eating habits, and pathological laziness have wreaked havoc on my metabolism, which frankly, didn’t need any further encouragement to operate at a slow pace. Combine that with being middle-aged and female, and what you get is a gal who invests in a lot of Spanx. (If you are unfamiliar with Spanx, allow me to explain. Spanx is brand of so-called “shapewear” and according to Señor Steve on the interwebs, they are “really tight slips or biker shorts that fat chicks wear under their clothes so they don’t get rolls.” Would you like to know what Señor Steve really thinks? “It’s nasty if you ask me.” Listen up, Señor. Dudes in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones, especially at girls wearing compression garments because we will cut you.)
My Secret Santa at the office didn’t help matters. She kept leaving giant, two pound bags of M&Ms on my desk. In lieu of actually eating lunch, I was mainlining M&Ms while sitting on my ample backside doing my cubicle jockey job. Between the M&Ms, the pizza, and my deep love of wine and doughnuts (yes, they do complement each other nicely), things got out of hand. Technically speaking, I was having trouble squeezing into my Spanx. And as any chubby gal can attest to, when you can’t squeeze into your Spanx, you can forget about getting your pants buttoned.
Desperate times call for desperate measures, dear readers. I had three choices. I could stop wearing pants (socially and professionally unacceptable); invest in larger pants (expensive and time consuming due to my impressive 34” inseam); or lose some weight. I chose option three, investigated various diet options, and coerced my hubby to embark on the DASH diet with me. After some formal (I read two books) and informal (a quick search of my Facebook friends to see if anyone had heard of this thing) research, I declared December 26th as “DASH Diet Day” in our household.
The DASH diet was originally developed as an eating style to help lower blood pressure. It emphasizes eating real foods, particularly a lot of fruits and vegetables, balanced with lean protein. And, like any good diet, you are encouraged to participate in an “induction” phase whereby you limit carbohydrates, including grains and fruits, and eat several small meals throughout the day. Sugar and alcohol are strictly forbidden in this phase, as are pretty much anything delicious. Needless to say, pizza is strictly forbidden.
Since starting the DASH diet, my hubby and I have been vying for the seat of Mayor of Crankytown. Last night, he declared himself the governor while I mumbled something about knocking over a Dunkin Donuts. Five days without wine and M&Ms is taking its toll on our heroine. And my hubby isn’t holding up much better. Not only has this DASH diet taken a toll on our moods (and possibly, our marriage), but it also required us to put our pizza eating on a short hiatus. And, since I couldn’t eat pizza, the very idea of sitting around and thinking about pizzas I’ve already eaten (and pizzas that led me to this uncomfortable weight in the first place) was simply more than I could bear. That, dear readers, is why it’s taken so damn long for me to tell you about the pizza we enjoyed on our 23rd consecutive week of pizza consumption.
Week 23 brought us back to the Powderhorn Park neighborhood of South Minneapolis. For those keeping score, I am a former resident of this neighborhood and I have many fond memories of living in the ‘hood, so I tend to wax a little nostalgic when we visit Powderhorn Park. And, in case you haven’t connected the dots yet, during our courting period, my hubby and I went out on several pizza dates – including a date night at Jakeeno’s Pizza and Pasta.
Jakeeno’s currently has two South Minneapolis locations; their flagship (and original) pizzeria located on Chicago Avenue South and a newer location called Jakeeno’s Trattoria in the Midtown Global Market. We visited the original, Jakeeno’s Pizza and Pasta, which has been family owned and operated since 1975.
Pre-Pizza Moods: We managed to stave off our hunger until a more reasonable dinner hour and headed out to Jakeeno’s around 6:30 PM on a cool and pleasant December evening. A light dusting of snow fell from the sky, making everything look clean and fresh; Christmas lights were hung on homes and businesses; and there something festive in the air. We fondly recalled our first (and only previous) visit to Jakeeno’s and our mouths watered at the thought of their delicious thin crust pizza. Thus, pre-pizza moods were strong, with both of us clocking in at a solid 7.5.
Parking Situation and Exterior Appearance: Jakeeno’s Pizza and Pasta isn’t much to look at from the outside. Situated on the corner of 36th Street and Chicago Avenue, you may notice it if you’re stuck at the stoplight but in general, it’s the kind of place that you might not look at twice unless, of course, you’re planning to stop in for a pizza.
I think I mentioned that it was snowing out. This is important because learning the parking rules in Minneapolis during a snow emergency is on par with learning to speak a foreign language. Snow emergency regulations are complicated and just as soon as you think you’ve figured them out, suddenly your car gets towed. We did spy a small parking lot on Chicago Avenue and pulled in. Ominous signs informed us that these spots were “reserved” but it was unclear for whom. We decided that meant it was okay for us to park there, and later confirmed with our server that we were in the right place.
A few words about the parking lot, if I may. It’s petite. If you, like me, are parking challenged and wont to smash into things (fences, poles, dumpsters, other cars, etc), please make alternate arrangements to dine at Jakeeno’s or alert your auto insurance agent in advance.
Entrance/Welcome: There is no worse feeling than stumbling into a restaurant for the first time and not knowing what to do. Should you wait to be seated? Seat yourself? Stand there awkwardly waiting for someone to tell you what to do? Flee the scene immediately?
Thus, I appreciated Jakeeno’s simple and clear instructions:
Clientele/Overall Vibe: If you are currently on the lam, Jakeeno’s is not the place for you. When they’re not patronizing doughnut shops, Minneapolis cops apparently enjoy Jakeeno’s Pizza and Pasta, and there was a table of 3rd Precinct police officers there during our visit. We tried to snap a photo without being too obvious . . .
Besides the table of cops, there were young, old, hipsters, families with small children, and people on dates. Jakeeno’s draws a diverse crowd but the overall vibe remains relaxed and calm. I suspect the police presence has something to do with that.
Beyond the police presence, Jakeeno’s has a warm, intimate feeling inside. It’s quaint with candles on each table and it feels like the kind of place where you might have a romantic evening with someone special.
Wait Staff: Our waiter was awesome! He was pretty much serving the entire dining room, playing bartender, and manning the phones so we didn’t see as much of him as we would have liked, but he was really engaging, fun to talk to, and helpful. Most importantly, he magically reappeared every time a glass needed refilling so no one was parched, which is a plus.
Menu Selection: Jakeeno’s menu offers a variety of pizza and pasta options. You choose from a traditional red sauce or olive oil/garlic sauce on a thin crust pizza of 10”, 13”, or 15”. Gluten-free pizza options are offered with an important caveat; “As we are a flour-filled environment, please remember that we cannot guarantee a 100% gluten-free meal.” (Points for honesty). In addition to the traditional, “design your own” pie, Jakeeno’s offers over ten specialty pizzas. We opted for the “Chicago Super” based on our server’s endorsement and our personal preferences. This 15 inch thin crust specialty pizza features sausage, mushroom, green and ripe olives; onions, and green peppers.
If you’re a vegan, be not afraid. Jakeeno’s has vegan soy cheese available. Or, if you’re in the mood for pasta, they also have a wide selection of pasta selections available.
Food Wait Time: Our pizza arrived in just over 30 minutes. Average.
Drumroll, Please . . . the Pizza Itself: Jakeeno’s did not disappoint. Their thin crust pizza is appropriately crispy; does not taste like an old saltine cracker/stale communion wafer; and is not soggy or dripping with grease. The toppings were fresh and plentiful with an appropriate ratio of cheese and tangy sauce.
They offer an excellent selection of craft beer and wine, which I most certainly enjoyed, and their pizza is as good as Broadway Station, Latuff’s, and Red Savoy. In my opinion, Jakeeno’s Pizza is better than Fireside; Carbone's; Joey Nova’s; and Michelangelo’s Masterpizzas. (I’ll get my hubby’s opinion when he is back on carbs and less cranky.)
Price & Value: Prices are a little higher at Jakeeno’s than some of the other pizza joints we’ve patronized. Our large Chicago Special ran us $22, and with my adult beverages and my hubby’s iced tea and tip, our bill was $45.
Post-Pizza Mood: We left Jakeeno’s feeling satisfied with full bellies and full hearts. Post pizza moods were at a solid 9 for each of us.
Bottom Line: This is pizza worth visiting South Minneapolis for. Seriously. If you are lucky enough to live in the Powderhorn Park neighborhood, Jakeeno’s will deliver to your doorstep. If you’re like the rest of us, you’ll have to make the trip. Yes – a pizza dinner and drinks will run you about $50 (if you are a generous tipper and why wouldn’t you be?), but I guarantee you won’t be disappointed with Jakeeno’s!
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