Week 3: Fat Lorenzo's

As much as I enjoy my new status as a “real housewife of Golden Valley”, even real housewives leave their suburban zip codes in search of cosmetic surgery, dermal fillers, and copious amounts of wine.  Since I can’t help but notice the absence of a camera crew and paparazzi, it was an easy decision to head to South Minneapolis for a pizza data with my beloved.  Week 3 brought us to Fat Lorenzo's on the shores of Lake Nokomis in South Minneapolis.  For those of you “in the know”, this is also the location of the original Fat Lorenzo’s – they proudly boast a second location known as “Fat Lorezno’s 2” located inside the Everett McClay VFW in Bloomington, MN.   

Since I am a notoriously lousy driver and even worse at parking the car without inflicting damages and raising my insurance rates (although I would like to use this opportunity to give a little shout-out to AmEx Property Casualty Auto Insurance.  If you are looking for a good rate on your auto insurance from a company who doesn’t use reptiles to market to you, give them a call at 1-800-535-2001 for a no-obligation quote.), the hubby decided to drive.  It’s important to know that he believes in something he’s branded “offensive driving”, which means that I typically arrive at our destination a little green around the gills, clutching my chest, and muttering the rosary under my breath.  I secretly believe that the goal of his so-called offensive driving is actually to offend me, but he claims otherwise.

It had been a busy Saturday for us both with mixed results.  Neither of us was feeling on top of the world when we departed for pizza night, but no one was actively campaigning for mayor of Crankytown either. An unscientific pre-pizza poll reported the following:

Pre-pizza mood Ratings:

Princess D: 5

Hubby: 6

Parking Situation: 

Employing offensive driving skills, we arrived at Fat Lorenzo’s in record time and assessed the parking situation.  There is a miniscule parking lot adjacent to the building.  I, a known terrible parker, should never, ever be allowed to enter that parking lot.  It’s rife with opportunity to smash things, including a dumpster.  The lot can fit maybe six cars, and at the time of our visit, it was full, which meant that we were left to navigate the joys of on-street parking in a busy, populated area.  The eagle-eyed offensive driver spotted a prime spot near the door and parallel parked his expensive German automobile with ease, while I rocked back and forth in the passenger seat.  The only way I can return to Fat Lorenzo’s to eat is if someone else drives me or if they employ valet parking.

Exterior Appearance: 

This place is adorable!  Fat Lorenzo’s will definitely catch your eye as you speed up and down scenic Cedar Avenue.  If you’re out getting your cardio on at Lake Nokomis, you’ll spot the restaurant patrons dining al Fresco and you’ll wonder why you’re wearing stupid spandex shorts instead of sitting outside with friends, eating pizza and expanding your waistline.  The sidewalk tables maximize the proximity to the lake and give the joint a decidedly Italian feel.  As a side note, the sidewalk tables also take up most of the available sidewalk real estate, so if you’re innocently trying to navigate the maze of tables, be careful not to step into the street.  Overall, high marks for the exterior appearance.  It’s inviting, whimsical, and fun.

Entrance/Welcome: 

This place does a booming business with both dine-in, take-out, and delivery options.  When you enter Fat Lorenzo’s, you’ll walk right into the restaurant’s hub.  You’ll see pizza ovens in action, you’ll hear orders being taken by phone, and you can scan their impressive gelato offerings.  A sign on the wall tells you to write your name on the chalkboard to get into the queue for a table and it’s all very clear and civilized in spite of the fast pace.  On a Saturday night, we waited just under ten minutes for a table.

Interior Appearance:  

You be the judge.  I thought this place was just about the cutest thing I’ve ever seen.  We were seated in a very roomy booth.  In fact, this booth was so roomy that I had a hard time reaching the table from my seat – but had I been in my third trimester of pregnancy with triplets, I definitely would have room to spare in this booth.  The tables and booths are modeled after old school Catholic churches, and you know that part of the reason Catholics are moving around so much during mass is because those wooden pews hurt your backside.  My left butt cheek has not been the same since eating at Fat Lorenzo’s. A piece of butcher paper was placed on the top of our table cloth and some crayon stubs were provided on the table, so I decided to mark my territory.

Clientele & Overall Vibe:  

This is a busy place, and the clientele is a great mix of locals, families, and people who are trying it out for the first time.  We had a great time people-watching and inventing creative plot lines and dialogue for our fellow patrons.  While it was busy, Fat Lorenzo’s is true to their Nokomis roots and the place isn’t infested with hipster doofuses, which I appreciated.  This is a place that’s appropriate for a pizza date; a family dinner; or a place for friends to get together and catch up.

Waitstaff:  

Since I eat so much pizza, I also spend more time than I’d like at a cut-rate fitness facility whose unofficial motto is, “You bring your own towel and maybe we’ll fix this broken equipment some day.”  This means that I have the dubious privilege of seeing a lot of people’s fitness fashion choices, which I in turn, judge silently while either mocking them or fantasizing about pinning them to the ground and forcing a stick of butter down their throats.  This is relevant only because our server, whose name I never quite caught, clearly started her shift directly after completing her cardio-kickboxing class. She was still dressed in yoga pants and running shoes and jogged by us – probably still doing her cool-down, I assume – periodically.  In my experience, this is the kind of place where you might need to wrestle someone to the ground to get your water glass refilled.

Menu Selection: 

Fat Lorenzo’s is not branded as a mere pizzeria.  It is, rather, “Italian in a big way” and their menu boasts pizza, pasta, hoagies, and gelato and a nice selection of appetizers and salads.  While I am always in the mood for a good hoagie, I had to remind myself that I was eating for research for my pizza-themed blog and kept my eyes focused on the pizza section of the menu.  Fat Lorezno’s sells pizza by the slice or whole pies in 10, 14, 16, and 18 inch sizes.  We opted for a 14 inch “Fat’s”, which features Italian sausage, pepperoni, onions, green peppers, and olives of the green and black variety.  And of course, you’re welcome to make your own.

Fat Lorenzo’s also serves a full range of popular and craft beer by the bottle and wine by the glass.  For those who prefer non-alcoholic drinks, the only bottomless glass available here is water.  Soda is sold by the can, which was unpopular with my dining companion.  He drank two cans of soda while I opted for Minneapolis’ finest tap water for my beverage of choice.

Food Wait Time:  

Total time elapsed between placing our order and our server jogging by with a hot pizza?  20 minutes – and the pizza was H-O-T.  It was so hot, in fact, that steam was rising from the toppings, and those of us who were unable to patiently wait for our food to cool to an edible temperature may have scalded the roof of our mouths.  Hypothetically, of course. 

Drumroll, please . . . the pizza itself:  

Clearly, eating my dinner in a church pew brought out my inner Catholic, so I need to confess something before I give you my review.  This was not my first trip to Fat Lorenzo’s.  I used to live in the ‘hood and I had fond memories of the ghosts of pizzas past.  When you mention Fat Lorenzo’s to pretty much anyone in the Twin Cities, you’ll bear witness to a walk down memory lane and the nostalgia of enjoying pizza at an adorable local joint.  Maybe it’s the nostalgia factor or maybe it’s the sugar high from gelato consumption, but I can’t lie to you.  This place was so much better in my memories than it was in my reality, and I’m sorry if that means we’re in a fight because this is your favorite place of all time.  I wanted to love Fat Lorenzo’s.  I really did. 

Now, don’t get me wrong – this was certainly superior to a Domino’s delivery.  Our pizza looked amazing – a deeper dish, piping hot, fresh ingredients, and a thick handle of crust.  It looked amazing, and we were able to control ourselves long enough to snap a photo before we attacked our dinner like savages.

Unfortunately, it didn’t taste as amazing as it looked.  While we appreciated the noticeable lack of grease (side note: I have never seen such a non-greasy pizza.  It was something of an anomaly) and generous toppings, I was disappointed in the sauce distribution.  Some bites were virtually sauce less while other bites were saucier, as if the sauce wasn’t spread evenly in preparation.  Me, I like some sauce on my pizza so I found the sauce situation wanting.  The crust had a unique buttery flavor and was crisp at the ends but limp and damp in the middle, as if the weight of the toppings caused it to simply give up and cave in.   

I ate two pieces and immediately felt compelled to unbutton my jeans because this is the kind of pizza that fills a gal up.  You aren’t going to leave here hungry.  The hubby managed to eat three and we still had leftovers to box up and take home.  We agreed that the pizza itself was strangely salty and thirst-causing; a fact that irritated the hubby because his soda can ran dry.  I also caught him picking olives off the pizza because he felt the olive to other topping ratio was out of whack.

Many of you fondly recommended Fat Lorenzo’s, and I can feel your indignant rage seeping through my computer screen.  It’s not personal.  I wanted to love it.  I wanted to be younger and thinner and relive pizzas of my misspent youth.  It just didn’t happen last Saturday night.  Maybe a few adult beverages would have improved my experience.  Maybe I should have topped off the meal with gelato.  Or maybe – just maybe – Fat Lorenzo’s is so amazing not because of the food but because of the experience. 

Price & Value:

For under $25, two people can enjoy pizza tonight and have enough to enjoy it for lunch (or a midnight snack) tomorrow.  Fat Lorenzo’s is a great next-day pizza.  It reheats really well and I actually enjoyed it more for lunch the next day than when it was fresh.  The formerly limp and damp crust parts firmed up or something and it was a perfect Sunday lunch.

Waiting for the Check: 

There’s no waiting around here.  Our Energizer Bunny / Cardio-Kickboxing server sprinted by, threw a box down for us, and deposited the check with lightening speed.  In fact, it took me longer to sign the bill than for the entire transaction to complete. 

Post-Pizza Mood:  

Have I mentioned that we were stuffed to the gills?  We were definitely not hungry and we had a good time at Fat Lorenzo’s.  Our post-pizza moods came in at a solid 7.5 for each of us. 

Bottom Line: 

I don’t know that I’ll make a special trip to Nokomis just to taste this pizza again.  It wasn’t the worst pizza I’ve ever had by a long shot, but it also wasn’t the best.  I would, however, make the trip to meet good friends, enjoy the sidewalk seating and watch the world go by.  And next time, I’m going to have the damn gelato.